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Friday, March 11, 2011

You fill the whole big world!

This empty aching in my chest
That stings behind in my eyes
With tears that threaten to erupt
If I don't hold on tight.

This gnawing burning in my gut
That fills me to the top
With sadness, shame, anxiety
And outrage that won't stop.

How can my small mind wrap itself
Around insanity?
How can I have loved someone
Who didn't even see
Me?

It's just incomprehensible
To think God wants my blood
Drained out upon our bedroom floor
As I beg you to be done.

( Or Sprinkled on the alter of
Your concept of what's what,
A casualty in the " war for truth"
"The price of being 'one.")

Well, now that your game's over, dear,
And mine has just begun,
Let me say just one small thing:
I think your concept's wrong.

And pardon me for saying so,
I never mean to judge,
But how could you have thought God wants
A gift that's soaked in blood?

And even if you're theory says
I'm making my own pain
By insisting on resisting
Your attempts just to explain

 
The futility of my crazy ways
How i talk and feel,
Which keeps me from deconstructing
This false world that I make real

By feeling and believing that my sense of things is true
Instead of qualifying everything I thought I knew.....

If all you wanted was to have
Somebody share your world,
Did you ever consider that
Your crushing this small girl.

You say I fight so long and hard
To keep my small eyes closed.
And if I'd just stop crying , then,
And do as I am told,

I'd see that your way's good for me,
If only I just changed
Then finaly I'd understand
That I am just 'deranged.'

You complain that I believe things are
The way they feel to me, ( not you)
And that you will not validate
What's 'patently untrue!'

And thus, my friend, you talk in circles
'till my face turns blue,
And everything comes round again to
How there's only you,

And your unshakable conviction that
Your path is pure and true,
And freedom can be mine, at last
If I learn to be like you


But even if all that you say
and say and say again
Is true for everyone you meet,
no matter where or when,

All of this still begs the question:
How do you explain
How is it ok for you
to disregard my pain?

Do you think you own the rights to truth,
Do you think there's just one road?
Do you think you'll find enlightenment
In your bed, at night,
alone?

Who said that I must walk your path,
Who said that I agreed?
And who, pray tell, said its alright
To hound and threaten me?

Whatever happened , old friend, to the motto you once had
That nothing's worth the cost to you
Of giving up your path,
Your path with heart that tells you
To let go of holding tight
Relinquishing vindictiveness
And fighting to be right.

Wasn't it you who told me first
How conversations go,
First you share, then I reflect,
And then you say " that's so!"

And when it's my turn and I say
"I'm not like you, please listen,
I feel the truth inside my heart,
( That's how things are with women")
And I need to hear that I'm alright,
(And not that something's missing.)


Then it's your turn to say "OK"
That you respect me and my wishes,
Cause I'm just just fine how ever I am,
( So long as I"m your Misses!)"

And if you say, that "never"
Did You EVER have your say
And never once, not once, you say
Did I do things your way...

I'll venture then a guess, old friend,
And challenge you to ponder
What's your payoff for believing this?
Does it justify your anger?

An anger and a loneliness
From long before we met
That you tried to fill with someone
Who could help you to forget,

How sad it is, and lonely
When you fill your whole big world
And there's no room left for anyone
And it's just not fair, you're sure,

 
And if only someone joined you
In your egocentric world,
And saw things just as you do, then
They'd be the "perfect girl."

To share the mythical existance
That you found,just you alone,
And you'd finaly have someone,
Join that world that's all your own.

And if only, oh! just only,
I would stop fighting so hard,
I'd see it's not "your world", you say,
It's just the way things are.

But let me ask you one small thing,
Now that you've made me you,
And I'm thinking of just of me, right now,
Like a wise man taught me to,

What exactly was it that
You sought, with heart and soul?
Were you seeking , then ,to use my pain
To fill Your empty holes?

Well, your world is pretty squishy, dear,
There's no room in there for me,
And even when you let me in
There's hardly room to breath!

I'm not playing this game, Darling,
I'm not playing anymore,
This isn't what my life's about,
And this I know for sure:

It's possible to love someone
Who isn't just like you,
It doesn't mean that you don't count,
Or that what you're say's not true.

It's just that every person
Has the right to be unique,
They. may be perpendicular,
Acute, obtuse, oblique

What matters is you love them,
And you live with them in peace,
And you learn to value differences
And learn to "speak their speak."

And when you do this kind of work,
You'll hear and plainly see,
That in this whole big crazy world
There's no one quite like me,

Who loved you and adored you,
And accepted you as you are
And tried to understand you
Even when you pushed too hard.

And all that I was asking
Was to be accepted too,
And loved exactly as I am....
Know what I think is true?

I think that if you'd done this,
If you opened up your heart
You'd have found the one your searching for:
(She's been there from the start.)

And you'd find the God you've pined for,
And you're missing long lost soul,
For in the loving of another,
You discover that you're whole.

I pray one day you'll understand
That two can become one:
Not by breaking each in half,
But by joining them both with love.

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